Possible explanations for what looks like the beginning of the Apocalypse:
If You See Me:
- I am on fire.
- I have been mistaken for Mary Bale and am being chased by an angry mob wielding torches and pitchforks.
- I am trying to catch the Chuy’s truck full of creamy jalapeno dip and chips.
Happily putting framed pictures of children on my desk
- My sister and nieces are on the way up to the office.
- It is my first day of a new job and I’m using the brilliant Office Kid Kit!
- I am about to blame the same adorable, mythical children for the stretch marks covering 95% of my body.
You hear me say:
“I can’t wait to get to work!”
- It is my last day of work at Where-Common-Sense-Goes-To-Die.
- It is the day I give WCSGTD my two-week notice by way of a mariachi band playing “Take this Job and Shove it.”
- It is my first day of work as the personal massage therapist to Hugh Jackman.
“This is the best PMS ever!”
- I am looking at the wrong week on my period tracker
- I have finally learned to use the 10 days of scary bitchiness to its full potential and intimidated my way into a position with an office and a locking door (probably from the outside), mostly to separate me from rest of the office for their safety.
- PMS now universally stands for Pancake Making Software. Pancake 2.0, now with warm maple syrup dispenser!
“And then I fell off the bike!”
- I am recanting how I learned to ride a bike from the cute boy across the street who was so dazzlingly distracting, I ran into a brick mailbox (true story).
- I have a new boyfriend named “Bike,” whom I was *ahem* joy riding until I fell off.
- I have become the biker chick the whole motorcycle club hates (like Yoko Ono on a Harley) and, in an assassination attempt, they greased my bitch-seat.
“A Cupcake! *HISS* Get it away! Get it away!”
- I have the worst case of amnesia ever recorded.
- The SisterMerryHellish you know and love has been replaced by a pod person to whom cupcakes are lethal. Poor bitch.
- The apocalypse has begun! Grab the cupcakes and run like hell!