De-Bunking Signs of the Impending Apocalypse

Possible explanations for what looks like the beginning of the Apocalypse:     

If You See Me:      

Running      

1. I am on fire.
2. I have been mistaken for Mary Bale and am being chased by an angry mob wielding torches and pitchforks.
3. I am trying to catch the Chuy’s truck full of creamy jalapeno dip and chips.

Happily putting framed pictures of children on my desk      

1. My sister and nieces are on the way up to the office.
2. It is my first day of a new job and I’m using the brilliant Office Kid Kit!
3. I am about to blame the same adorable, mythical children for the stretch marks covering 95% of my body. 

You hear me say:      

“I can’t wait to get to work!”      

1. It is my last day of work at Where-Common-Sense-Goes-To-Die.
2. It is the day I give WCSGTD my two-week notice by way of a mariachi band playing “Take this Job and Shove it.”
3. It is my first day of work as the personal massage therapist to Hugh Jackman. 

A little bit louder now! A little bit louder now!

 

 “This is the best PMS ever!”      

1. I am looking at the wrong week on my period tracker
2. I have finally learned to use the 10 days of scary bitchiness to its full potential and intimidated my way into a position with an office and a locking door (probably from the outside), mostly to separate me from rest of the office for their safety.
3. PMS now universally stands for Pancake Making Software.  Pancake 2.0, now with warm maple syrup dispenser!

    

It's a prototype!

 

 ”And then I fell off the bike!”      

1. I am recanting how I learned to ride a bike from the cute boy across the street who was so dazzlingly distracting, I ran into a brick mailbox (true story). 
2. I have a new boyfriend named “Bike,” whom I was *ahem* joy riding until I fell off.
3. I have become the biker chick the whole motorcycle club hates (like Yoko Ono on a Harley) and, in an assassination attempt, they greased my bitch-seat.

   “A Cupcake! *HISS*  Get it away!  Get it away!”      

1. I have the worst case of amnesia ever recorded.
2. The SisterMerryHellish you know and love has been replaced by a pod person to whom cupcakes are lethal.  Poor bitch.
3. The apocalypse has begun!  Grab the cupcakes and run like hell!

Cupcake...my love... Let's never fight again!