It’s true, time flies when you’re having fun.
It’s also true that when you are sick, PMSing, months overdue for a day off, feeling stabby, bored, disenchanted, ready to disembowel the next person who announces they have a great ”ideal” instead of “idea” or would rather have the rabid, zombie weasels that live in LiLo’s crotch (how do you think they got that way?) strap you down Clockwork Orange-style and force you to watch a Steven Seagal movie marathon, sprinkled with Full House reruns while jerking out your toenails and then scraping them down a moldy, broken chalkboard than be at work, your day is never going to end.
*big deep breath…and exhale* Ahhh…
Stay with me now.
Forever on the search for a way to skip the aforementioned nightmare, MadamBob, KrazyKev and I turned to the crazy glue that holds us together (emphasis on crazy), smart-assedness, wit (stop that snickering) and the Simpson’s.
In the episode “Homie the Clown,” Homer goes to clown college and becomes a Krusty impersonator.
Lisa to Homer: If there has to be a bastardized version of Krusty, I’m glad it’s you.
After being let go without a ticket when he was pulled over and mistaken for Krusty, Homer drives around town getting free stuff out of merchants and winds up at a car dealership, demanding unsuccessfully, he be given a car free of charge, because he’s Krusty the Clown.
It just so happens the mob is after the real Krusty and shoots at Homer, the psuedo-Krusty, putting holes in the car he’s standing in front of:
That would be Homer - Note the comb-over.
Homer: Hey, what are all these holes? (points at bullet holes in car hood)
Car Salesmen: These are speed holes. They make the car go faster.
Homer: (impressed) Oh yeah, speed holes.
Cut to the scene where Homer is wielding a pickaxe and stabbing holes in the hood of his own car.
Thusly, we applied it to making our day go faster, resulting in conversations like this:
Me: Sweet Morgan Freeman this day is never going to end. I swear it took three hours to get from 1:00 to 1:15.
MadamBob: Same here. Which one of you has the pickaxe?
KrazyKev: Uh, I’m going to need it a little while longer…I need it to rebury the sewer main before the foundation people come out.
MadamBob: Just remember to bring it back to work with you, and for the love of a motherless goat, LEAVE IT WHERE WE CAN FIND IT ON MONDAYS!
Me: Or you’ll end up like the hobos at massage school…turned into lemon-scented carpet!
KrazyKev: Couldn’t you two get creative and use other implements, like the heel of a stiletto, a letter opener or a sharp stick to poke speed holes?
MadamBob: Yeah, but then who would we blame if the day still didn’t go any faster?
KrazyKev: I dunno, maybe take some personal accountability?
MadamBob: I’m sorry, I don’t understand the question.
Me: For a long time, MadamBob eating popcorn at 3 o’clock would do it, but those days are over. And we both tried eating other things, oh how we tried.
KrazyKev: How on earth did one of you eating popcorn at 3 o’clock do anything?
Me: How does poking speed holes in your day work? We don’t question.
KrazyKev: Poking speed holes in the day works to create a thin boundary layer on the surface of the day, thereby reducing air resistance on the day, thus allowing it to travel more quickly. It’s just like dimples on a golf ball.
MadamBob: So the dimples on my ass from eating popcorn accomplished the same thing?
KrazyKev: I’m not touching that.
Me: Your losing weight means less dimples on your ass, which explains why the popcorn stopped working!
MadamBob: Mystery solved.
Me: Woo Hoo! Ok, now what time is it?
KrazyKev: 1:27
Me: D’oh!
Yeah, I apologize for subjecting you to the insanity, but you people just keep showing up! You’re only encouraging me.
Now, where’s that pickaxe?
“LEAVE IT WHERE WE CAN FIND IT ON MONDAYS!” Like LiLo’s crotch!
*shudder* We draw straws to see who has to take it over the weekend…like LiLo’s crotch!
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This is so clever, it’s way over my head. I’m left in utter confusion. But at my age, that’s a common occurence!
It’s just your average nonsense to get us through the day. We’re pretty much just as confused as you are and just won’t quit emailing each other.
pass the pickaxe, puhleeese. this day is longer than lilo’s lost virginity.
You know, I can’t think of anything that isn’t!
I’d like to put a speed hole bigger than LiLo’s crotch right through the hood of this day
That made me laugh out loud at work! Which never happens and draws a lot of nervous attention! Thank you for helping me keep them on their toes!
If you can put speed holes in a day to race it along, can you put something else in a day to slow it down? Like, the weekend? For instance…put a huge parachute on a day to make it slow to a screeching halt (kind of like race cars…or those fancy ones that try to break the sound barrier…now THERE’S an interesting job). That way, you might not even need speed holes for your workweek, because your weekend will be slowed down to a pace where even Grandma goes “Jesus, that’s friggin’ slow!”
You may be onto something there! Perhaps we’ve been going at this backwards. I’ll discuss with the time travel committee.
Tomorrow will be the longest day of the year — the day before teachers and students (at least in our district) are released into the wild for two whole weeks. I already started to feel it today, but tomorrow will be torture. And? I’m giving my students tests. Mwahahaha! Tick tock . . .
Ha! I love you for confirming the wickedness we all suspected in our teachers! Never ever change!
I would like to be sentimental for a moment: You are blessed to have each other to pass through those long long long minutes. Considering how much we all spend in the office? It is wonderful you have such a support network there. People to share the inside jokes with? Priceless.
I am truly blessed, I know. When I first started this job I was emailing MadamBob and the HR lady (people refer to her as the Devil, seriously) called to tell me to watch what I email because they watch ALL of it! I nearly fell apart because the job is so stressful I could see a mental break in my future without being able to talk to people I love throughout the day! Then someone said “oh, I just use my gmail account.” Thank Morgan Freeman! What a relief!
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