Compliments Will Get You Seconds

For reasons I can only assume involve court-ordered community service, an award has been bestowed upon me by the talented, but horribly misguided (read: drunk) Tom G. over at 20 Prospect.

No, really!  Look!

Isn't it adoraballs?

Did I mention the “G” stands for “Gawd DAMN the boy’s got skills!”?  Go peek under his petticoats (he doesn’t mind at all) and treat yourself to writing that’s touching, nostalgic, hilarious and occasionally channels his sexually frustrated teenage self. 

Thank you to Tom, and the return of his White Castle mug full of Wild Turkey, who made this possible. 

Now, onto the interrogation!

1.  If you blog anonymously, are you happy doing this?  If you aren’t anonymous, do you wish you’d started out anonymously, so that you could be anonymous now?

Well, I WAS anonymous until Tom went and blabbed about my being a 300 pound serial killer!  I know you’re all shocked, but it’s true. 

I am the SPORK FAIRY!

I’m the one who robbed all those Taco Bells and KFC’s.  Where else was I supposed to get the equipment for the “random” sporkings to the foreheads of all those incompetent corporate oppressors you’ve been hearing about? 

And the 300 pounds?  Let’s see YOU knock over a KFC without getting out your gravy bong! 

2.  Describe an incident that shows your inner stubborn side.

I refuse, with every fiber of my being, to believe NOBODY doesn’t like Sara Lee.

3.  What do you see when you really look at yourself in the mirror?

Someone who needs to make an appointment at Mr. Clean’s office because she’s got a severe case of toothpaste pox!  How did spatter get that far up the mirror?  What am I, a yeti?  No, I’m 5’2″!  How the Hell did that happen?! 

4.  What is your favorite summer cold drink?

What’s the name of that new beer?  You know, the one with a hairy chest and smirk that makes me want to do dirty, dirty things then buy a Ford?  Rowenbrau.

The extent of my Photoshopping skills.

5.  When you take time for yourself, what do you do?

Lately?  I make my belly button bleed.

One morning, months ago, I got in the car and expressed my concern to MadamBob that I’d recently, on more than one occasion, found blood in my belly button!  She suggested I get that checked out.  My head, she meant.  A few days later I was sitting on the couch, studying for an upcoming massage test with my 3 inch thick textbook on my lap.  More accurately, it was on my stomach, the bottom of the spine sitting, you guessed it, in my belly button!  Mystery solved.

So, the biggest massage test of them all is coming up soon, and I’ve been busy studying, freaking out and making my belly button bleed.  Again.

6.  Is there something that you still want to accomplish in life?

Sure!  First, I’d like to identify the smell coming from right OUTSIDE the pantry.  The Hell?!  Then I’d like to figure out how the birds and mice keep getting into the house so I don’t fear coming home to another dead animal left as a present from the cat at the end of my bed (I checked, KrazyKev.  It’s not the flue.).  And lastly, I’d like to pass this test, get my license, quit Where-Common-Sense-Goes-To-Die, dye an electric blue streak in my hair and work in Oncology Massage in the Medical Center.  That should do it.

Oh, and sex.  I’d like to have sex again.  Don’t look at me in the tone of voice, it’s almost been a year!

7.  When you attended school, were you the class clown, the class overachiever, the shy person or always ditching?

In 5th grade I couldn’t shut up.  So much so that my desk was moved up against the chalkboard so I couldn’t see or talk to anyone else.  Then the male chatterbox in the class ended up with his desk up against the wall three feet away from me.  Two class clowns at the front of the class, behind the teacher?  MISTAKE!  Within 15 minutes of this lethal combination were both in the principal’s office for saying the word “monkeyshine” to each other (I have NO idea why) until we burst into hysterics and brought the rest of the class with us!

Flash forward to 6th grade and everything changed.  The undiagnosed ADD wouldn’t allow me to keep up with 7 different classrooms and teachers and homework and due dates and suddenly, I was stupid.  Just like that.  So I shut up, and went invisible so nobody would find out, all the way through high school.

Now, I take my brain meds, stay quiet and let everyone tell me about themselves, making it seem like I’m shy when really I’m getting a handle on them.  People take no response as your approval, and if they talk long enough and have enough rope they’ll eventually hang themselves.  Sometimes they surprise you, in a good way, but whatever happens, I know who I’m dealing with.  And they have no clue.

8.  If you closed your eyes and wanted to visualize a very poignant moment in your life, what would you see?

This one time, at Orchestra camp…

9.  Is it easy to share your true self in your blog, or are you more comfortable writing posts about other people and events?

I’m not really SisterMerryHellish, I just play her on the Interwebz.  Or am I really SisterMerryHellish and I just play (insert legal, non-pole-dancing name here) in real life?  Honestly, most of the time they’re one in the same, but I’m always hiding part of me. 

Here on the blog, I’m more myself.  I don’t censor much, so what you’re reading is really what you get, but I control whether or not you see my physical manifestation, lest I start getting hate mail. 

In real life I can’t keep my weight a secret, but my personality and my true thoughts are mine to keep when I’m at work.  I’ll have been there five years soon and with the exception of Glamizon and one other person, none of them have any clue who they’re dealing with. 

Although, I couldn’t keep fixing the washing machine quiet!  I still can’t believe it started or that it hasn’t burst into flames…yet.

10.  If you had the choice to sit down and read a book or talk on the phone, which would you do and why?

I dunno.  I need more details.

If it’s between sitting on Mike Rowe’s lap while reading the Kama Sutra or talking on the phone with…  Yeah, if I’m shot-gunning a Rowenbrau there’s no way I’m answering the phone! 

Seriously, don’t call or I’ll be very, very angry.  You wouldn’t like the Spork Fairy when she’s angry!

And now, for the best part!  I get to say “TAG!  You’re it!” to two lovely ladies I never tire of reading.  Patty Punker and Andrea at A Little Bit Rock N Roll.

I know, I can’t wait to see what they come up with either!

And with that, I’m off  to the licker store.  I hear they just got a new shipment of…

Well, you know.